Sunday, May 28, 2006

Doublespeak (Funny)

Examples of Doublespeak:

"Close personal friend" – lover

"Assisting police with inquiries" – guilty

"Sources close to Michael Kroger" – Michael Kroger

"Kerry Packer's friend" – Kerry Packer's mistress

"Colourful character" – a crook.

"Flamboyant" – gay

"Tired and emotional" – drunk

"I've decided to spend more time with the kids" – sacked

"The CEO has full support of the board" – about to be sacked


Politics:

"I do not plan to challenge [party leader] now, or ever" – I don't have the numbers

"Kim has my full support" – I haven't got the numbers, yet

"She served his needs in a number of positions” – departing female advisor who he was having an affair with the president/PM

"The minister has my full confidence" – he's a disaster but the political cost of sacking him would be worse than toughing it out

"The public has been fully consulted" – we have spent a shitload of taxpayers money advertising our decision

"You know you can count on my vote"– yours is the best offer so far

"You know I'll vote for you and I'll even show my ballot paper to your mate George" – George and I both plan to rat on you

"Thank you for your letter and your comments will receive my urgent attention" – go and get fucked

"I have no intention of resigning" – Give him/her a week...

"Non-core promise" – lie

"Iron clad guarantee" – lie

"Never, ever" – next year

"Tax reform" – Cuts for the rich. The poor pay the same, or more

"Canberra" – government by politicians who do not represent or live in Canberra

"I think Mark would make a great PM" – I didn't know he kept a diary

"Drastic action is required" – the electorate will forget this before next week

"This is a government priority" – we lost the file

"I was unaware of " – I made sure I deleted all the emails I sent

"Iraq has WMD" – Iraq does not have WMD

"This war is not about oil" – this is an oil war

"WorkChoices will increase jobs" – at casual rates of $8/hr

"We had a full and frank exchange of views" – we told each other to fuck off

“No decision has been made yet” – the decision has been made we just can't tell you right now

”We're conducting a full investigation” – to make you go away and hope you never ask about the result

"Mate" – ALP doublespeak for "about to be knifed"

"Maaaaaate" – as above but the contract is out and time to pack the bags


Underworld:

"Racing identity" – shady gambler

"Colourful racing identity" – acts like a crook but we don't dare call him one

"Colourful Sydney racing identity" – very shady gambler

"Prominent Sydney racing identity" – organised crime boss

"Known to police" – we know he's a crook but we can't get the evidence

"Assisting the police with their enquiries" – is in the process of having both his eardrums burst by being belted with the telephone directory

"Melbourne underworld figure" – we know his name, we're just too freakin scared to publish it

"Gold Coast property developer" – drug importer

"Independently wealthy" – takes bribes/possibly a drug dealer

"Is known to police" – a crook


Business:

"Decided to seek a new challenge" – sacked

"Took voluntary redundancy" – sacked

“Left to pursue personal interests” – sacked

"Resigned for personal reasons" – was a hopeless incompetent

"With all due respect" – you're a moron

"Cautiously optimistic" – we're shitting ourselves

"Sitting on the sidelines" – we missed the bus

"We're quite bullish" – we just sold

"It's a dog" – we already lost 50%

"We're neutral" – we have no idea

"This stock looks expensive" – I wish I'd bought it

"This stock looks cheap" – I wish I'd sold it

"Our fees are at the low end" – I've got a new boat

"We're doing this in the shareholders' best interests" – we're lining our pockets

“We put our employees first” – the most important thing is meeting financial targets


Journospeak:

"A source close to the minister" – the minister

"Usually reliable sources" – rumour

"Bitter dispute" – mild disagreement

"Burning issue" – no-one really cares

"The tributes poured in" (for an obit) – we phoned the usual suspects for comment.

"Critically acclaimed" – shithouse

"Undocumented worker" – illegal alien

"Exotic dancer" – stripper

"Fair and balanced" – right-wing bias

"Redeployment of troops" – withdrawal

"Outspoken critic" – rabblerouser

"Eccentric" – weird

"Civilian casualties" – innocents killed

"Targeted killings" – assassinations

"Elite media" – Age/SMH

"Gossip site of Sydney Morning Herald ex-editor Eric Beecher" – Crikey

''A left-wing commentator'' – any of the Crikey team

"Our circulation has never been higher" – we offloaded thousands of free CDs and meat pies last month

"A man of interest" – felon

"Refused to speak to the Age" – has a deal with the Herald Sun

"Refused to speak to the Herald Sun" – has a deal with the Age

"Refused to speak to the media" – was still in negotiations with all comers

"Did not return the Age's call's last night" – we rang at 9.30pm with a last second chance to respond to the allegations having sat on them all day and crafted our story

"Seasoned campaigner" – old

"Single mum" – lazy welfare cheat

"Single dad " – hero

"Mother of three" – mother of three

"Suburban housewife" – suburban housewife

"Sub judice" – can't tell you

"Commercial-in-confidence" – can't tell you

"No net increase" – an increase

"No increase in real terms" – an even bigger increase

"In 2006 dollars" – likely to be double in five years

"Freedom fighters" – terrorists

"Terrorists" – freedom fighters

"Outspoken immigration campaigner" – racist

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